


Shiny Toy Guns

by Lafaiette



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Birthday Presents, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Toy Store, Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 08:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1260082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lafaiette/pseuds/Lafaiette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you saying water guns aren’t nice, Peter? Really?" Wade takes one and frowns when it doesn’t squirt. "What the fuck, don’t they put water in these to let you try them?"</p><p>In which Peter and Wade go shopping at a toy store.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shiny Toy Guns

"This was the _best_ idea ever!”

Wade squeals in delight as they enter the toy store, bouncing on the balls of his feet, eyes darting around from one shelf to another, examining every box, every doll, every single thing.

"Kids are so lucky nowadays! Look at what they can play with! This shit wasn’t even invented when we were young, Petey! Ohh, what is that?"

Peter instinctively grabs his shirt, stopping him before he can go explore the girls aisle.

"Wade." he said warningly and the merc flutters his non-existent eyelashes at him. "Listen to me. You are here to _help_ me and not to make the guards or the manager kick us out. We only have to look for a simple thing and then _go._ ”

"Go? Go?" Wade looks horrified now. "But, Petey, look at this place! The biggest toy store in New York! The Promised Land of fun and games, the Heaven for spoiled brats, the El Dorado of…"

"We are not kids." Peter flatly reminds him; he has to do that on a daily basis actually. He lowers his voice, looks around and pinches the merc’s butt, making him yelp. "Don’t make me regret this, Wade. Spider-Man may have a bad reputation thanks to the mayor, but Peter Parker doesn’t want to ruin his own in a children-friendly environment."

"You are already a bad example for children, you take pictures of your butt in spandex to pay the rent!" Wade grumbles rubbing his ass. "Okay, fine, I’ll be an angel. Happy now?" But his seriousness doesn’t last long as soon as he notices some water guns on a shelf.

"Wade, Aunt May asked me to buy that little girl something… uh, nice."

"Are you saying water guns aren’t nice, Peter? Really?" Wade takes one and frowns when it doesn’t squirt. "What the fuck, don’t they put water in these to let you try them?"

"No, honey. They don’t do that because there are children like you who would make a disaster."

Peter gently takes the fake weapon from his hands and puts it back on the shelf as Wade gets distracted by something else.

"A rifle! Just like the one I wanted when I was little, but my dad never bought me!"

It’s a soft air rifle with some pellets included in the box; Wade has already opened it and by the time Peter turns to him the weapon has been reloaded.

"W-Wade, no!"

"Look at this, sweetums!"

The merc aims at the head of a doll in the shelf in front of them and shoots; the pellet hits the forehead, the doll wobbles dangerously on the edge and then gives up to gravity, falling on the floor with a loud ‘thud’.

"Pity it wasn’t made of porcelain." Wade muses, then beams up at Peter, who is looking at him with shock and anger. "I think that girl would love this, Petey! She could shoot boys in the balls with it."

"You…! You…! _Give me this!_ ”

Some other customers - parents with their noisy children - are already looking at them, alarmed by the shooting and Wade’s boisterous laughter. Peter blushes, curses softy under his breath and is about to put the toy rifle back into box when a shadow falls upon him.

"Excuse me, sir?"

He looks up at the bulky guard/bouncer/whatever whose glare doesn’t bode well for him.

"Sorry, sir, but you are not allowed to take the toys out of their packages."

"No! No, I… I didn’t…" Peter looks back at where Wade should be, but his boyfriend is waving at him from the corner of another aisle.

"And above all…" the guard continues, a look of disapproval on his hard features. "You cannot take them out to _use_ them in the store.”

"Y-You are absolutely right, I’m…" his voice is low and bashful now. "I’m sorry. It won’t happen again."

The big man nods, looking more annoyed and disappointed with every passing second, then resumes his patrol around the store.

Peter groans, ignoring the children’s snickers and their parents’ frowns, catching up with Wade in the girls aisle the merc noticed as soon as they entered the shop.

"Did the bad guard scold you, Petey?" the merc coos, putting an arm around his shoulders. Peter glares at him, his blush spreading over his ears and neck, and Wade just giggles, squeezing playfully his shoulder and trying to hide something behind his back.

"What is that?" Peter asks bending to see better. "Wade, I don’t want more problems, the people here already think I’m an idiot or something… Wait…"

He crosses his arms on his chest, hoping to be displaying a stern face and pose to convince Wade to behave in a civil manner.

"We have already a ton of _real_ weapons at home. We don’t need the rifle that shoots pellets too.”

"Of course we do!" Wade replies with doe eyes, holding closer the box of the toy rifle he picked up while Peter was dealing with the guard. "Please, sweetie, it’s so cool, I want to try it with the pots on our neighbor’s windows!"

The young man sighs, remembering that comment about Wade’s father. After all Wade _is_ a child at heart and he still owns a big dose of innocence, not completely taken from him by the cruel and harsh world he lived in.

"Okay." Peter sighs again and smiles at Wade’s bright face. "But we will put some bottles in the house. I’ll kick your butt if you even dare to hit the windows or my books or… or…"

"Only bottles and pots! I swear!" Wade presses a wet kiss on his mouth, whispering a sweet ‘thank you’, and Peter realizes he’s getting soft and this man has more power on him than Aunt May. One day he will ask for a space rocket to visit space and Peter will let him have it without raising an eyebrow.

The thought is kinda scary, but Wade looks so happy and content, right now, that Peter really doesn’t have the heart to be strict. So he squeezes the merc’s hand and brings the topic back to their main mission.

"What about this for that little girl?" he says pointing at the doll of Princess Xena. “I don’t know her tastes, but every girl loves Xena.”

"She’s cool, but… it’d be so lame." Wade replies with a look of disgust on his face. "Why does everybody think that girls love only dolls? I’m sure she would prefer this." and he shakes the rifle box while looking around. "Everything is _pink_ here…” He grins. “Beautiful. It’s my kind of color.”

"I think it looks good on you, yes." Peter laughs amusedly while he examines other shelves. Then he grimaces; Wade is right, everything here looks too simple, stupid or cliché. The dolls and fancy toys are undoubtedly of high quality, but nothing looks quite original or interesting.

"I think you’re right, honey, we…" but Wade is gone. _Again_. Peter groans and walks around the corner, straight into the aisle for toys for external use only. Wade is on a skateboard, sliding on the floor and making ‘pew pew’ noise as he pretends to be using the rifle.

"Wade, stop!" Peter hisses, but the scarred man passes by at high speed, laughing and barely balancing on his feet. Then a little kid appears out of the corner and the merc yelps, turning abruptly to avoid hitting him. The sudden movement makes him fall on his butt, as the skateboard loudly crashes against a life size statue of Iron Man.

"Shit!" Peter curses softly, rushing over to them; the kid looks scared, but he’s not hurt. Wade is grumbling something under his breath and rubbing his ass for the second time that day.

"Are you okay?" Peter asks the child, who nods shyly. Wade is up, now, and he approaches the little one too, letting out a relieved sigh.

"Damn, boy, be more careful! I almost had a heartattack there. Not that it would matter, but…"

“ _You_ are the one who should be careful.” Peter retorts elbowing him. “Sorry, sweetheart. He didn’t mean to scare you.”

But the boy isn’t listening, his eyes fixated on Wade’s scars, not hidden by any baseball cap today. The merc understands and looks away, hoping not to have shocked the kid too much with his gruesome look. Peter realizes what the problem is and tries to come up with something to divert the attention from Wade.

But the boy is faster.

"Wow." he whispers in awe. "You must have fought a lot, eh, mister?"

Wade and Peter share a dumbfounded look.

"Uh…"

"Y-Yes… Yes! Exactly! I fought a lot of bad guys."

The little one smiles at him, bright and sweet.

"Cool!" then he waves at them and trots into the aisle, completely absorbed by the toys and colorful stuff.

"… Now that was surprising." Wade comments, a small blush on his cheeks, and Peter sighs relieved, his faith in the young generation restored.

"Come on." he says picking up the skateboard and putting it back in its place. "We still have to find a good present for that girl."

"No dolls." Wade insists, nonchalantly taking the skateboard again and ignoring Peter’s astonished look. "What about a videogame?"

"Wade, if you are seriously thinking about buying that skateboard…"

"… or an action figure! Girls loves heroes and heroines!" The scarred man is pointing at the shelves near which the Iron Man statue is standing by. "Look, there is Captain America, Hawkeye… look, you are here too!"

He takes a well-made Spider-Man action figure, showing his boyfriend a toothy smile. “They totally nailed your butt, sweetie.”

"Shut up, dork." Peter smacks his arm and blushes, but the corners of his mouth are curling upwards. "I don’t know if she likes Spider-Man. Not every kid does."

"Bullshit." Wade frowns taking another action figure. He notices Peter’s quizzical look and answers cheerfully: "There isn’t a Deadpool one - remind me to rate this store as a disappointing piece of shit later -, so I’m gonna paint this other Spidey action figure as me." He scowls again, admitting something he won’t admit for the next ten years: "Our costumes are very similar after all."

Peter smiles understandingly at him, then looks around, pondering about the situation. The classic girly stuff is annoying, but they can’t buy the girl a rifle, her mother - and her grandmother, Aunt May’s friend - wouldn’t be very happy with it. The action figures are nice, but they are way too simple to be considered a proper gift. They need to buy her something else too.

"Okay." he finally says, hands on his hips. "I have an idea. Inspired by you. Tell me whether is crazy or not."

"I’m usually the one with the crazy ideas, Petey." Wade laughs, but when his boyfriend whispers in his ear what he planned, a look of sheer surprise appears on his disfigured features.

"Damn, baby boy. That’s really the craziest idea ever!"

Then he grins, that same proud grins that makes Peter all warm and fuzzy inside.

"I _love_ it.”  
  
  
\- - -  
  
  
They give their gift - wrapped in a colorful paper - to Aunt May, who will bring it to the little girl’s birthday party. Peter and Wade don’t know her family that well, so only May will participate.

"Thank you for this, dears." she tells the two men, raising her eyebrows when they show her the package. "Oh, it’s pretty big! You shouldn’t have bothered, a simple thing would have been more than good."

"Don’t worry about it, Aunt May."

"Yeah, it’s okay. I’m sure that girl will be the happiest brat in New York after seeing it."

The old lady laughs sweetly at Wade’s words, then examines the present again. “It also has a weird form. Can’t you tell me what it is? Gosh, I know I shouldn’t be so curious.”

"That’s right! It’s gonna be a cool surprise, Miss May." Wade pats her forearm and Peter hands her the package, adding: "Don’t move it too much, Aunt. It has… multiple parts."

Aunt May raises an eyebrow with an amused smile and carefully takes the gift. “Oh, it’s heavy too! Now I am _really_ curious.” She puts it down again to rummage into her purse. “Tell me how much you paid for it, boys, it’s my gift after all! No need for you to pay for it.”

Peter and Wade freeze on the spot and look at each other, panic in their eyes.

"Y-Your gift, Aunt?"

"Why, of course!" the old woman looks as surprised as them. "Didn’t I tell you, Peter? I was too busy with the knitting club to go looking for a present, so I asked you two for your help." Her sweet smile comes back. "I knew you would have made the right choice. You and Wade are so good with children!"

Wade splutters something as Peter tries not to have a heartattack.

"A-Aunt, that gift is… is really _original_. Totally not your style.” he babbles, looking for a solution, but there is none, because the party is today and they can’t go buy another present.

"Oh, dears, it’s okay!" Aunt May chirps. "I didn’t want to bring her a boring, old fashioned thing in the first place. You really had a great idea!" She takes out her wallet, but Wade quietly stops her and forces her to put it back in her purse, shaking his head.

"D-Don’t worry." he says with a voice made even hoarser by anxiety.

"But I insist, Wade dear! You don’t even know my friend, I don’t want you to…"

"Really, Aunt, it’s okay." Peter steps in and the woman gives up with a sigh, picking up the gift again.

"Fine." she says with her bright smile. "Thank you very much. I’ll repay you with a fantastic dinner, I promise!"

Then she goes, leaving the two men with their despair.

"Wade?"

"Yes, Petey?"

"… I think we should run away from the country. Like, exile."

"Let me buy two tickets for Tibet. Tibet is pretty far, right?"

They spend the afternoon praying every deity, every entity above, every god and goddess, praying for Aunt May to lose the gift in the streets of New York, praying for a miracle.

But when the phone rings they know she has reached the party without problems and their gift has been opened.

"H-Hello?" Peter answers while Wade puts his ear on the receiver to hear.

"Peter, dear!" Aunt May’s voice sounds happy and excited. The two men share a hopeful look before focusing on her again. "She loved the gift! She’s absolutely _in love_ with it! I admit it, it was a pretty big surprise - two superhero action figures taped on a skateboard holding a water gun? My God, it was really the most original present of them all!” She lets out a giggle. “She and her mother thanked me and my friend complimented my ‘modern taste’. Thank you very much, dears, you had a brilliant idea!”

She wants to speak to Wade to thank him too and the scarred man starts babbling, too relieved and excited to pronounce coherent words.

"I was wondering, dear… who is the other superhero? Everybody says it’s a different version of Spider-Man, but I don’t think it’s true, they look different. Is he a new hero?"

Wade chokes down a happy sob.

"Peter…" he tells his boyfriend, who is looking at him with the biggest smile ever appeared on a man’s face. "Your aunt is a saint!"

They celebrate their victory shooting pellets at cans and skating around the house.


End file.
